Jinchuuriki Gathering
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: Naruto can’t recall what he was thinking when he started this nonsense. Knowing him, it was probably something about how ramen tasted better when eaten in large groups. Based off of manga chapter 420’s cover page.
1. Gather Round The Feet

Jinchuuriki Gathering

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!**

**A/N: People, a word, if you will. I have absolutely NO idea as to the names of the jinchuuriki other than Nii, Gaara, Naruto and Killer Bee (by the way. WTF). And while I might—MIGHT—change the names according to propriety if you tell me, I wouldn't get my hopes up. **

**Summary: Naruto can't recall what he was thinking when he started this nonsense. Knowing him, it was probably something about how ramen tasted better when eaten in large groups. Based off of manga chapter 420's cover page. **

**A quick guide—**

**Ichibi (one tail) tanuki: Sabaku no Gaara (male, aged 18)**

**Nibi (two tails) cat: Nii Yugito (female, aged 26)**

**Sanbi (three tails) turtle: Itagaki Kame (female, aged 11)**

**Yonbi (four tails) owl: Iwakura Hisoka (male, aged 29)**

**Gobi (five tails) coyote: Sugi Takeshi (male, aged 34)**

**Rokubi (six tails) jaguar: Asafuka Katsutoshi (male, aged 14)**

**Shichibi (seven tails) panda: Mizumaki Akemi (female, aged 15)**

**Hachibi (eight tails) ox: Kuromori 'Killer Bee' Kumakichi (RAPPING male, aged 45)**

**Kyuubi (nine tails) fox: Uzumaki Naruto (aged 18)**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

You couldn't see much in the gloom, but you could just about make out the enormous stone feet whose toes curled up curiously, each digit accommodating a lone figure.

"Are all the members present?" the blond's voice boomed out in the dark. He stood on the right foot's big toe, and glared impressively around at the others, blue eyes shining merrily in the dark.

"Akemi is in the loo," Nii Yugito said, "She says she blames the burritos we had for lunch. I think she's planning to sue."

"Damn it," Naruto swore, "I knew I should've added a clause on digestive disorders in the contract."

A ghetto drawl echoed from the little toe of the left foot. "Yo dawg/fuck this shit/ why I gotta be here/ and who's that git?" an airy gesture was made to the little toe of the right foot, where a man in all black with a bright orange mask was waving gleefully to the company.

The Rokubi vessel spoke up, his voice boasting a soft lilt. "Loathe though I am to agree with any idiot that rap-speaks, Bee has a valid point. He is not a jinchuuriki, Naruto."

"I told you," the kyuubi carrier said impatiently, "You gotta call me Leader-sama or Sir Leader!"

"But we _**know **_your name, lad," the redheaded Yonbi vessel, Hisoka mused, "What be the point in calling ye that?"

"And you have yet to answer my question," Katsutoshi added, dipping his head to blow some bubbles from his pine wood pipe.

"That's just Tobi," Naruto said, "He's here to even the odds. Now Akatsuki has ten people, and we do too!"

Akemi returned from her trip to the loo and took up position next to her closest friend, Kame. "Okay, the next time I agree to eat anything cooked by mask face over there—" she gestured wildly to the Gobi vessel, "just _**kill **_me and spare me the trouble."

"No problem," Kame hissed.

"AHEM. So, all the members are present? I can call the meeting to order?" Naruto coughed loudly.

There were grumbles of assent, and Naruto began roll call. "Gaara!"

A coil of sand curled lazily into the air from the third toe of the left foot, and everyone grumbled again over the uppity attitude of the boy.

"Gaara," Naruto warned, "Just because you bonded with Shukaku doesn't mean you get to show off. All members will respond to the roll call vocally. It was in the contract!"

"A contract I would have never signed had I been told exactly what I was in for," Takeshi muttered, and Bee nodded vigorously to back him up. "I'll say/ this is fucking gay/ no one told me we'd be led/ by some punk who still wets his bed!"

"I _**told **_you I stopped doing that _**months**_ ago! Anyway….Nii?"

"Right next to you," the sandy haired woman rolled her eyes, "On the second toe of the right foot."

"Kame?"

"Alive and at attention, too bad for me. On the fourth toe of the right foot."

"Hisoka?"

"Aye lad, I be on the fourth toe of the left foot."

"Takeshi?"

"Hmm, yes. I'm on the big toe of the left foot."

"Katsutoshi?" Naruto squinted into the darkness where a demure line of soapy, clear bubbles were issuing forth.

"I am present, and I believe I am on the second toe of the left foot."

"Akemi?"

"Yeah, I'm over here next to Kame on the third toe of the right foot."

"Killer Bee..."

"Yo mofo/ killer bee is me/ I'm opposite the faggot/ can't you see?"

"And…Tobi."

"Tobi is a good boy, because Tobi on the tiniest toe of the left foot of the pretty feet! Tobi loves his toe very much and hopes that this Leader-sama is much nicer than the old one, who was mean to Tobi." With the conclusion of the speech, the male drooped comically, and Akemi guffawed in the stunned silence that followed.

"Right…" Naruto shook his head to clear the stupid from it (although it would take an awful lot of shaking to clear it all) "To business. We must and we will kick Akatsuki's punk ass, because we are _**badass **_demon vessels, but we are _**not **_the badass demons themselves. And anyone that argues with us is going DOWN!"

"He's quite the motivational speaker," Katsutoshi murmured, amused.

"That's what I'm talking about/ that's why I signed up/ I'll make those mofos shout/ and I'll kill them cold to make them shut up!"

"I've got a question," Kame spoke out, "Why is the blond baka our…leader?"

They could all _**hear **_the sneer in her voice.

"I've got a few words for you," Naruto grinned ferally, "Kyuubi no Kitsune/Youko." A brief spurt of red chakra in his aura incited a short period of respectful silence as each jinchuuriki conferred with its inner demon as to the power of the Nine-tailed Fox to lord it over them. When it became quite clear that Kyuubi could kick their collective asses three ways to Tuesday, everyone murmured their approval of their leader.

"Will you all join me in this quite possibly life-threatening and rather clandestine adventure!?" Naruto bellowed.

"Like we have a choice; you little brat," Nii scowled, but judging from the various sounds of assent, it seemed that the other members of 'Anti-Akatsuki' had let the fact that Naruto had tricked them into signing those stupid, legally binding contracts slip their minds.

And so it began. Who knew how it would end? But the kyuubi carrier was determined that Akatsuki should be defeated by their prey, and no one else, and what Naruto wanted, Naruto got.

Usually.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Obviously, I pretty much screwed the pooch on all timelines. Obviously, I took liberties with genders—Sanbi jinchuuriki is definitely androgynous looking. Obviously, I also raped the animals designated to the tails—there should **BE **a fucking jaguar demon, it suits the jinchuuriki. One final obviousness—I don't rap. Less obviously, but more importantly, I don't care. It just makes sense for the vessels to bite Akatsuki in the ass. **

**And there WILL be biting. :evil grin: **


	2. And We Stalk, and We Bug, and We Stalk

Jinchuuriki Gathering

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. **

**Felix wanted rings, so we have TOE rings. But no cloaks/straw hats/nail polish. Because I'm not Konan to enforce a uniform. C'mon, who KNOWS she designed the outfit? **

**For YOUR amusement, the derivations of their names!**

**Sanbi- ita (board) Kame-tortoise. I suppose the board thing appealed to me by way of a surfboard. The tortoise thing hardly needs explanation. **

**Yonbi- iwa (rock) Hisoka: reticent, reserved. He seems like the Viking dwarf of an adventuring party. What can I say? **

**Gobi- Sugi (cedar) Takeshi (bamboo) I loved the earth allusions, and the contrast of plants. **

**Rokubi- Asafuka (shallow deep) Katsutoshi (to win cleverly). Asa is shallow, fuka is deep. The kid looked like he could swing both ways, and looked definitely like someone who had a brain in that pretty little head. **

**Sanchibi- Mizumaki (water) Akemi (sunrise) Because I was dying to name someone sunrise, and she's from the Waterfall Village. **

**Hachibi- Kuromori(black forest) 'Killer Bee' Kumakichi (fortunate bear). The black forest thing, I'll admit, is a low blow to his ego. Yum, chocolate. The bear…I thought of him as soon as I saw the name. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Tobi is so happy to be able to pour tea during break time because it is an _**honor, **_it is, and Tobi is so happy that his sempai is so much nicer than Deidara sempai. Not as pretty, but very nice to Tobi."

"Tobi," his sempai, Katsutoshi, said with false sweetness, "If you do not shut up, I shall strike you with a poisonous bubble, and your buttocks shall rot and fall off. Rather like a leper's."

"Tobi takes back what he said about sempai. Why does Tobi never get the nice sempai…?"

The partners had been assigned shortly before they left headquarters—Tobi and Katsutoshi to track down Deidara and Sasori, Killer Bee and Nii to trace Hidan and Kakuzu, Kame and Akemi to hunt Zetsu and Orochimaru, Hisoka and Takeshi to pursue the elusive leaders, and Naruto and Gaara to find Itachi and Kisame. The Leaf jinchuuriki had been adamant that he get to confront the bitchy brother of his best friend, and Gaara had been equally immovable in his insistence to watch over his royal blond bakaness.

Their orders had been clear—locate the teams. Tag them with tracker bugs (Naruto had been persuaded to seek Shino's help here) and return to regroup for a final attack. They would use the toe rings they'd been issued to locate each other. They all knew what had nearly happened to Gaara—how the Ichibi had been extracted. How, if they hadn't bonded already, he would've never reentered the boy's body upon his rebirth. If anyone had queries or concerns as to _**why **_Gaara wanted a demon in his body, no one was man enough (or, in the spirit of political correctness, woman enough) to voice them. They liked their genitals _**on **_their bodies, thankyouverymuch.

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"Let me outline the plan for you," Takeshi said to his partner, "You put the bugs on the bastards. I'll steal their belongings."

Hisoka stared at him in consternation. "Aye, that'd about work, except we dinnae know where these elusive leaders are or even what they be looking like! And then to get close enough to bug them is one thing, and leave aside the fact that stealing their stuff is entirely against me moral code and I will stop ye with force if I have to, you're bleedin' genius!"

"I try," Takeshi said, brushing past the redhead. Hisoka suddenly felt the irresistible urge to bang his head against something hard.

Naruto had assured them that no one was attacking anything until all the trackers had been planted and all the members had been accounted for. It was for this particular team that he'd said so, but there wasn't much reason to dally. Takeshi could track an ant in a forest, and Hisoka was no slouch himself. Between the two of them, and despite their incompatible methods of obtaining information (torture versus charm, naturally) they deduced that the leader was a male and had a female companion and that the duo was currently residing in a small off-the-beaten-track town near Iwagakure. Once they got to the town, tracking down a blue haired female with an obscene amount of peircings was as easy as pie.

Getting the bugs on them was considerably much harder, but they managed when they began to molest each other quite passionately one night. Takeshi kept a straight face until they'd retreated back to camp, and then doubled over laughing at the stricken expression on Hisoka's face.

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Akemi shot out a hand to stop her companion. The limb splayed across the pre teen's chest, and earned her a glare. "What?" Kame hissed.

"I think that's them," Akemi speculated.

"If it is, that's terribly convenient."

"I'll say," the mint greenette murmured, peering closely, "But looks like it's true. There's the snaky fellow…urgh, what a tongue…"

"I think it's rather sexy," Kame offered, "Especially with all that lovely dark hair."

"You're way too young for him anyway," Akemi scoffed.

"I am not!"

"You so are!"

Kame opened her mouth to continue the argument, but as a green tendril crept over her partner's shoulder and wrapped around her caramel throat, she decided to let the subject drop for the moment.

"Sanbi," she intoned, and the tortoise rose up within her immediately. She swiped aside the paralyzing tendril and threw the older, immobile female across her back and began to beat a retreat. Unfortunately, the plant—it was Zetsu, wasn't it? The bipolar man-eater—followed at a disquieting speed.

Orochimaru slithered to block her escape route, and yes, the man _**was **_sexy. Not that she'd tell it to his face, of course. No need to give the enemy a swollen head. Not in the figurative sense, in any case. (Ooh, innuendo and threath in one. Kame was good at this.)

Kame unsheathed the giant flower adorned pike from her back strap. "Eat this," she smirked, and lashed out against the dark haired bishie. He dodged it—almost, but he would hardly expect the _**shadow **_of the weapon to knock him off his feet and spin him into the under bush. In a deft motion, Kame let the tiny insects that had taken temporary residence on her body loose. They would find the Akatsuki, and stay on them.

A cold feeling snuck over the young female, and she glanced uneasily at her weapon. Her eyes widened as she realized the green flower was her downfall; the plant foe had somehow persuaded it to exude the sweet smelling toxin it held. And Kame didn't have her gas mask on.

"Well this fairly stinks," she whispered faintly to herself before the darkness fell over her. She could've sworn she heard the dark haired man laughing, but figured she had bigger things to worry about. Staying alive, for instance.

A last instinct kicked in, and she found the will to drag her right foot against the bark of the branch she was slumped on, igniting the mark on the brass band on her fourth toe.

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Nii felt uneasy. Despite the fact that she was now basically guaranteed revenge on the men that had attacked her, she was positively sick to her stomach. She suspected it had a lot to do with Killer Bee's rapping. But there was also a small part of her—you might call it woman's intuition, but she'd probably smack you for it—that suggested that plans rarely work out well.

"Hey there boo/ Whatcha up to?/ keep your eyes on the prize/ lets follow the guys!"

Nii rolled her eyes. She would rather work with her pain in the ass father than this idiot, but Naruto was smarter than he looked. He'd paired them up specifically because Yugito had the ability to keep a clear head (well, unless her honor was impugned or some such samurai shit) while Bee lost his cool over the stupidest things.

"Maybe you could keep the rapping down to a dull roar?" she suggested, "We'd rather not give away our position before we really need to."

"Righty-tighty."

Righty-tighty…? _Kill me now, _she prayed to her gods, but they kept mum. Well, at least it was only two words.

Hidan and Kakuzu set up camp out under the open skies of the prairie, and fell asleep arguing over whether 'fuck the motherfuckers' was a Jashin prayer or a prepositional phrase.

"Aren't they sweet?" Nii commented sarcastically. Her blood rushed loudly in her ears at the sight of them as the humiliation of being so spectacularly trounced came back to haunt her in full force. She began to shake with the force of her anger, and Killer Bee gripped her shoulder tightly.

"Calm down baby doll/ there's still time before we let loose/ wouldn't want to trip and fall/ just cuz you blew your fuse," he hummed quietly. She stilled, more from the charming lunacy of the words than from anything else. A quick nod and a whispered session between the partners sorted out their plan of combat, and they put it into action swiftly and silently.

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Gaara glanced at Naruto, who bared his teeth aggressively to show his readiness. Tracking down the Uchiha and his accomplice had been easy to the point of suspicious. And now they had to bug the bastards, who seemed to not want to sleep. The insects could find them themselves, but only if the target was within ten feet, at least. Naruto and Gaara were at fifty yards, and even that was pushing it.

The sand user's brain clicked, and the presence of an idea etched itself into his subtle smirk. Naruto picked up the clue, and raised an eyebrow. Gaara nodded to his sand gourd. "We put the insects in there, and the sand blows in on the breeze."

"Brilliant," Naruto whispered, and Gaara nearly grinned.

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Katsutoshi wondered what would be more painful—standing his idiot partner for god knows how much longer, or surrendering to the tender mercies of the sadistic Akatsuki they were stalking.

"Danna, art is _**fleeting, **_un! It's the moment of awe for beauty—if the beauty is always there for you to see, it's not so beautiful because it's commonplace, h'mm!"

"You're a stupid little brat, that's all you are. True art is eternal, and undying. It's in the sun and the rain, the sky and the earth. Without this art, there is no _**life.**_"

Tobi wiped away a nostalgic tear from under his mask. "Tobi is to miss the times he was partaking in riveting discussions."

"Tobi is to shut up if he doesn't want to partake in the putting of my foot up his arse," Katsutoshi growled, but too softly for the man to hear. He'd learnt quickly that Tobi cried. A lot.

"The best way is to blow them up, un!"

"The best way is to skin them alive. Much more painful."

The dark haired bubble blower didn't even want to know. Eventually, the blond fell asleep, and the redhead lay next to him, snuggling his partner as he gazed at the infinite stars. The demon vessel was a little surprised—he'd never really had much experience with gay relationships before. Before he felt jealousy bloom—jealousy that this pair of evil pricks could find love and acceptance in the world, but he couldn't, Tobi hugged him something fierce.

"Tobi is to miss the times he was allowed to hug a sempai."

It was only because the idiot sounded so _**lonely **_that Katsutoshi let him hug. Definitely not because it made him feel just the tiniest bit welcome in the world.

"Sempai smells funny."

And _**definitely **_not because he was attracted to the daft thing.

The bugs were planted without incident (once the redhead seemed to fall into a stupor), and the duo sat back to wait for the summons.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**A reviewer (anonymous) Tobi-is-a-good-boy says that the Yonbi's name is Roushi. Now, not that that's not a fine name, but I really love Hisoka. And I shall keep it. Because I am the goddess, and any who disagree with me shall be smite'd (smitten?) and thrust into the seventh level of hell. **

**So there. Nyah. **


	3. Capture and Rescue Plans

Jinchuuriki Gathering

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto! **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Having planted their bugs, Naruto and Gaara sat back to wait for the signal from the others that meant that everyone had accomplished their mission. Unfortunately, their toe rings, instead of turning cool and blue, turned a virulent red—the color code for trouble. Naruto rubbed his ring, and it deepened into the thickest shade of crimson…the color designated to Kame.

"She's been captured," Gaara murmured, and Naruto groaned. He pushed a strain of chakra into the brass band, and got back three jabs of silver. The other teams were ready. He twisted, and their phantoms coalesced on the feet.

"Kame's been captured, hasn't she?" Nii asked immediately. The kyuubi vessel nodded grimly, and a collective, desolate sighed echoed in the cavern.

"What do we do now, oh righteous leader?" Katsutoshi spat.

"Well, since Akemi's not here, I have to assume she's been captured too," Naruto frowned, "Which means the Akatsuki found two jinchuuriki tracking them, which means they'll almost certainly know we've banded up in our own group. In a nutshell, we're in deep shit."

Takeshi spoke in his serrated yet soothing baritone. "I think we should pull our bodies out. Meet somewhere in person as soon as possible. We can decide on a course of action then."

"That makes sense," Hisoka said, but everyone was looking at Naruto for approval. The blond cocked his head and gave a nod. "Right. We can't let anymore of us fall into their hands. Akemi and Kame are kids, and we gotta rescue them. You guys be _**extremely **_careful. I'm talking, like, paranoia here."

"Before we go/ I wanted to know/ we got a name or what/ cuz Anti-Akatsuki _**sucks**_ yo."

"A name?" Gaara asked, sounding surprised.

"Aside from the abysmal timing," Nii glared at her partner, "It does kind of make sense. They have a cool name. We should have one too."

"Um," Naruto said, "How about the Toe Guild?"

There was a silence that screamed, _Hell no. _The blond tried again. "Order of the Feet?"

"Maybe," Tobi suggested, "We is to discuss the naming of the organization after the girls have been rescued."

"Faggot's got a point/ let's jump this joint."

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Akemi groaned loudly as she came to her senses. The world swam in swarthy sheaves around her, and she was unsurprised to note that she was trussed up like a pig headed for the slaughterhouse. The plant man watched her with hungry eyes, and she jerked back out of instinct.

"**This one's awake, Orochimaru.**" Strangely, when he spoke, only the black side of his face seemed to move. Akemi remembered what Naruto had told her—this one had two facets to his personality.

The one he was talking to, the snaky one, batted his eyes at her from behind the green's shoulder. He was sprawled on an overstuffed armchair (Akemi didn't think much of the fact that it was leather, but it had to be more comfortable than kneeling on the floor, tied), a hand toying with a leash that was attached to Kame's neck. He quirked his eyebrow and rolled his eyes as if to say, _yes, doofus, I can see that_.

Despite it all, Akemi had to laugh.

"Why does she laugh?" the white side of the plant asked, confusion riddling its voice. Orochimaru tutted. "Why don't you ask her, Zetsu?"

"Why do you laugh, girl?"

"If she wakes up," Akemi grinned, "And finds herself on a leash, on a leash in _**his **_hand…hah. I was wondering if she'd kick his ass, or squeal like a lovelorn little girl."

Zetsu shot his partner a confused look, but Orochimaru seemed amused. "And what is your friend's name, if I may ask?"

Akemi's laughter faded quickly. "No, you may not. I'm not _**stupid, **_and I'm definitely not giving you our names."

"Perhaps you can tell us why you were stalking us, then?" the Sannin continued smoothly.

"We weren't stalking you," Akemi said haughtily, "We were just passing by. _**You **_attacked _**us.**_"

"**This one is waking too. Shall I knock the other out?**"

"Yes," Orochimaru said, "Go on."

The tendril twined around her, and sunk its sharp little spines into her flesh. As darkness claimed Akemi once more, she realized that it only made sense for one prisoner to wake without the support of the other's consciousness. Clever bastards.

When Kame came to her senses, she started praying to every god that came to mind, and then some, for Akemi to be alive. If another partner had died…if being with her had caused yet another life to be taken…she could never face anyone again. She'd throw herself off a cliff, and that would be the end of that. It took her about a minute to realize she really didn't believe in gods, and she stopped praying and just lay there for a while until a voice broke through her stupor.

"I know you're awake, little one. Open your eyes; let me see that pretty lavender color again."

Wanting to purr with pleasure and shiver with revulsion at the same time at the tender tenor, she let her eyelids slide open. Golden eyes looked into hers, and a dry chuckle escaped pale lips.

"It is a pretty color, isn't it Zetsu? She'll grow to be a heartbreaker."

"**If she lives long enough to grow.**"

"True," Orochimaru agreed, "If she lives long enough."

"It's hardly like she will," the white half of the plant thing put in with an almost concerned expression, "Leader-sama is in a hurry to extract the bijuu, and says he doesn't have time to leave them alive—"

"**Shut up, you idiot. Why don't you just tell her the rest of the plan while you're at it?**"

Kame's heart picked up its pace. So it wasn't just some stupid vendetta against the jinchuuriki. These people had a _**plan. **_Well, they'd expected that. Imagine the ten or so most powerful S-rank criminals _**all **_having a grudge against demon vessels. Coincidence of the century? No, it turned out, convenient business arrangement.

Orochimaru curled his finger in the fringe of her hair. "Here's the thing. You can talk without me having to resort to drastic measures. Or I can leave you to the tender mercies of my associate."

"**Pick the second option, kid. Come on. I'm hungry.**"

"What do you want to hear?" Kame asked warily. Akemi's body was visible on the opposite side of the room—and she was alive, that much was clear. They wouldn't be leaving a dead body around.

Well, she _**hoped **_they wouldn't be leaving a dead body around.

"What I want to hear," Orochimaru, "Doesn't really matter. What I want to know does. I want to know your names. I want to know who sent you. I want to know how two jinchuuriki were coerced into working together. I want to know what your plan was, and how you were going to execute it."

At least he didn't know that their plan had already been carried out. Kame just had to sit tight and play for time until her rescue team showed up. Naruto wouldn't leave them to die. Again, that's what she hoped.

The wide eyed act began, but subtly. The head drooped, the lips parted to make way for a small sigh, and toes and fingers flexed in discomfort. "I suppose…no. But…" a nervous look towards Zetsu, who bared his teeth at her for effect. A carefully controlled shudder took her body, and perplexed lilac eyes looked into excited amber ones.

"I'm…I'm Delilah."

"Delilah," Orochimaru purred, "What a lovely name."

"And she's Mione," Kame said, biting her lip immediately as though regretting it. She kept her eyes wary, as though still suspicious of the man.

"Mione and Delilah. Such pretty names for such pretty girls. Tell me, Delilah," the Sannin shifted so that instead of squatting in front of her, he was casually reclining next to her. She noted with a jolt of anger the leash for the first time, and bit back the urge to rip his head off. Taunts danced through her head from a life not so long ago.

_Demon vessel! Slowpoke tortoise! If I tie this rope around your neck, will you move any faster with me dragging you?  
Let's try it, Roku! Aw, look, the little tortoise is crying!  
A vicious kick to her face, blood spurting everywhere. The shame, the shame, she was a member of a well regarded shinobi family too, just like her cruel cousins, and yet she was the tortured one, she was the hurt one. Why? _

_Sanbi always had the answer. _

_**They hate you. **_

"Tell me. Who is your leader?"

"I…don't know."

The Sannin leaned in conspiratorially. "I know Zetsu scared you," he whispered, "But the process of removing a bijuu is neither painful nor life-threatening. Look at Gaara of the Desert—he got rid of his bijuu. He's now Kazekage, happy and loved…and very much alive." A warm smile graced his features, like the last lick of chocolate fudge, and Kame let her eyes show that she was convinced.

"A woman named Kohana. She hired Akemi and I to hunt you down. We were supposed to spy on you and tell her where Akatsuki convened, and when. She said she had a…" the girl let hesitancy creep into her voice again, and Orochimaru tutted.

"You must be feeling tethered in this leash. Let me take it off," he said. She gave him a small, grateful grin. He slipped an arm around her shoulder, and she was sorely tempted to bite it. He settled around her like he was in a café for a long chat, and she began to concoct a flawless lie and hoped that Akemi wouldn't wake before the rescue team got here.

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"So they managed to plant the bugs before capture," Naruto was saying, "Which means Akatsuki might or might not know about our plan."

"I don't think they know," Takeshi said, "The bugs would've been destroyed if they knew."

"Unless the mofos want to play dirty and low/ and it's all a trap and when we go/ to save the hoes/ we get screwed by our foes/"

"I thought I had it bad with the huggle monster," Katsutoshi muttered to Nii, "But I think I pity you by far."

And she wasn't really going to argue with something that was so reasonable, even if did come from such an insufferable brat.

"I vote we all sneak up from different directions and take out any guards guarding their location, burst in, kick ass, grab the girls, and get the hell out," Naruto said bluntly, putting a stop to the discussions that had burst forth around him.

"I second the motion," Gaara said, "It may not be my style, but it often works in films."

"I suppose I'm in then," Hisoka nodded.

"Tobi likes the plan!!"

"Tobi likes everything," Takeshi muttered.

"Not true. Tobi rather dislikes his sempai," the orange masked fiend said in a carrying stage whisper, "But Tobi is too polite to say so, because…"

"Tobi is a GOOD boy," the whole organization chorused, and burst into peals of laughter.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**And…voila? **


	4. Encounters of the Violent Kind

**Jinchuuriki Gathering**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Sh'yeah? Sh'yeah. **

**A/N: Everyone glomp Felix. He wrote the supertastic fight scene! So, like, the vast majority of the chapter. Hah. **

**Weird and random fact: On Microsoft word, when it Spell-Checks for supertastic, the closest word it comes up with is spermatic. o.O**

**Feel free to facepalm. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Is everyone in position?" Naruto whispered into his mike.

"Katsutoshi and Tobi, reporting. All clear on the eastern front."

"Nii and Killer Bee here. The southern face is calm."

"Aye, Hisoka and Takeshi from the west side, there be no one here, lad."

"And Naruto and Gaara on the north," the blond nodded to his partner, "Ready for entry. Katsutoshi, Tobi, you remember your orders?"

"Hang back until all the sempais are fighting and then head straight for the girls! Tobi remembers because Tobi is a very clever boy!"

"Good boy. Hisoka, Takeshi?"

"Once inside, divert the enemies from the girls and if they are conscious, free them from anything that stops them from fighting," Takeshi replied.

"Nii, Bee?"

"We gotta take out the plant dude/ he's gonna be BEE food!"

"And Gaara and I will handle Orochimaru," Naruto nodded, "Right, in we go, folks, let's get this show on the road!"

"Alright," whispered Nii, "We are ready to g-"

"Jinchuuriki attack!" yelled Naruto, prematurely breaking cover.

Nii groaned, and ran from her hidden position along with Bee and Gaara, running out towards the two Akatsuki members. The two enemy shinobi wasted no time in moving towards them, trying to get between them and their captives.

Katsutoshi and Tobi started to creep around the outside, sneaking around to get behind them.

Naruto started with his signature technique, the Shadow Clone Jutsu, and as one Naruto ran directly at Orochimaru, the other two began charging a sphere of concentrated chakra. The clone was batted away in seconds, as Orochimaru drew out his Kusanagi Sword, but it had achieved its purpose: to gain time.

"Rasengan!" cried Naruto, running towards Orochimaru with the glittering sphere spinning on his palm.

000000000000000000000

Nii prepared to attack as the weird thing called Zetsu turned to her and Bee. She crouched and went through a group of hand signs.

"Katon: Reikaen!" she barked and an eerie blue flame surrounded Zetsu. It started to tear at his flesh, setting him on fire, but as he ran forwards the flames dissipated like smoke in the wind.

The damage remained, but one of Zetsu's vines shot out towards Nii. It was blocked by a sword. Killer Bee was holding it.

Well, kind of holding it. And six others.

It was the strangest thing Nii had ever seen.

Even Zetsu blinked before he attacked again, with another vine.

Another sword cut it in half, and Zetsu let out a cry of pain.

"Now this fight/Ain't gonna last long/so I'll finish you/and finish the song!" Bee snarled.

Wow. Zetsu was as annoyed by it as Nii was. Well, as long as the enemies were annoyed…might as well take advantage.

"Katon: Jitenrei!" said the two tails jinchuuriki. A tongue of blue flames spanned around her and Killer Bee, stabbing into Zetsu without touching either of them. The flames dissipated instantly, but a deep hole was gouged into Zetsu's side, dripping blood.

And slowly, they forced Zetsu away from the girls.

00000000000000000000

Hisoka and Takeshi had gotten around to the girls without anyone seeing them. "Are you alright?" asked Hisoka, seeing that Kame was awake.

"Yeah, but Akemi's still unconscious." said the girl as Hisoka untied her and her companion.

"You look after her; we'll go help Gaara and the dobe. They might have a bit of trouble with a sennin," said Takeshi.

"Got it." replied Kame smartly, shaking off her bindings.

Takeshi and Hisoka ran towards Orochimaru as Kame woke up Akemi.

00000000000000000000

Naruto's Rasengan smashed into the Kusanagi blade. It held. The Rasengan dissipated, chakra spinning everywhere, a stray piece whipping the sword from Orochimaru's hands and throwing it down to a corner.

Orochimaru smirked, spinning and kicking Naruto away before performing a short trail of hand signs and saying, "Futon: Daitoppa!"

A blast of wind threw Naruto away, sending him crashing directly into Gaara. The Shukaku demon vessel sighed and pushed him off before deciding to get in on the action himself.

Gaara made several hand signs, and said, "Ryusa Bakuryu."

A huge wave of sand appeared, spewing out of the gourd, coming up from the ground, and then firing itself at Orochimaru like a wave from the worst nightmares of someone who _**really **_hates tsunamis of sand. I couldn't find a name for them, but you're free to make one up yourself. Why yes, I am overly generous, how nice of you to notice.

Orochimaru leapt up, jumping off of a wall and over the waterfall, before grabbing his Kusanagi and appearing behind Naruto where he was safe from the wave.

The sand returned to Gaara, but not before a wayward strand grabbed the sword from Orochimaru's hand, almost crushing his bones in the process, and anchored the sword into the ground.

As the sennin watched in disbelief, the sand fused together into hard stone.

Orochimaru made a pair of hand signs and punched. Naruto rolled away, but as Orochimaru spoke…

"Sen'eijashu:Viz!"

A small group of snakes appeared from his sleeves, shooting towards Naruto. He managed to draw a Kunai and defeat the snakes without being bitten once. With a smirk he'd probably picked up from Sasuke, he turned on the Legendary Sannin.

000000000000000000

"Katon: Shimokaki!" yelled Nii.

Zetsu had knocked Bee to the floor when the strange blue flames hit him. He screeched as he fell backwards, ice crystals forming all over him.  
"Katon: Goukakyu no Jutsu!" cried Nii, performing more hand seals.

A great ball of fire shot towards Zetsu, melting the ice crystals and bringing forth more screams.

It looked like this one was in the bag.

But that was probably where the extremely annoying (doubly so for being true) saying 'don't count your chickens before they hatch' came from.

Enough foreshadowing. Now the fun begins.

000000000000000000000

As Orochimaru prepared to attack Naruto, sand snaked up his leg and then up the other, rooting him in place. Orochimaru turned in shock and stared at Gaara, who was holding his palm out.

_Strange_, thought Gaara. _There is almost respect in that look. Almost. _He prepared to crush the Sannin's legs.

Orochimaru smiled, and melted away into a pile of mud. A snake, a huge one, came from behind Gaara and wrapped him inside its coils.

"Yoton: Youganarashi!" shouted Hisoka, performing a quick group of hand signs. The earth bubbled, and split, and lava flew up, blasting itself towards the snake. Globules of molten rock burnt through the snake's scales, and it darted towards Hisoka, who dodged. Takeshi cried out with a single hand seal.

"Ishi Kobushi no Jutsu!"

At first nothing happened, but when Takeshi grabbed the snake by its tail, spun it around and threw it through a wall, it was obvious something had.

The snake crashed into the ground, and Hisoka performed another group of hand signs, yelling, "Yoton: Youganouchi!"

The floor collapsed underneath the Snake, falling into a pool of lava, as the snake began writhing and screeching in pain. It vanished in a cloud of smoke, and Orochimaru leapt out of the pit.

"Yoton: Yougankasui!"

A tongue of lava started melting along the ground, chasing after Orochimaru who jumped and flipped to avoid it, but it kept after him with the kind of perseverance usually reserved for fangirls chasing a bishie.

The lava burnt through the rock around the Kusanagi sword on the way. Orochimaru leapt through the flames and rock, grabbed his sword again and spun to attack Hisoka.

"Doton: Ishikouu!" said Takeshi.

Rocks fell from the sky, smashing down all around the Sannin, missing him by tiny amounts, as he dodged away. He almost fell over, but was righted by someone's hand. He looked for his helper, alarmed. Zetsu didn't have arms…

Tobi patted him on his hand.

"Tobi is sorry… Tobi doesn't want to go back, but Tobi did promise ,, and Tobi is—"

As one, the jinchuuriki groaned, and finished the sentence. "…Tobi is a good boy!"

"Yes," said Tobi, removing his famous mask to reveal a grinning face, grey-black hair and that oh-so-famous Sharingan in his eyes. "But Uchiha Madara is not. And alas, I am he."

Orochimaru sucked in his breath sharply. "Madara-sama! All this time—you were the _**brat**_?"

Zetsu let out a wild, harsh laugh. "**Alright, does this mean I can use **_**it**_**?" **

Madara tutted in annoyance. "Yes, He of the Melodrama and Needless Secrecy. You can use your fast acting paralytic gas that we've acquired an immunity to."

Naruto barely had time to reflect that that was probably not the best news for his team before he passed out.

"Now," Madara said, "Why don't you truss up our little demons here and I'll teleport us to headquarters?"

Zetsu bowed low before hurrying off to comply.

Orochimaru was still staring incredulously at the ancient.

"You know, you've been alive for a ridiculously long time. You couldn't invent anything for those bags under your eyes?"

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.**

**Author's Notes by Felix:-**** (translations of the jutsu)**

**Kage Bunshin No Jutsu-Shadow Clone ****Jutsu (You should know this one)  
Katon: Reikaen-Fire Release: Ghost Blaze (Copyright Fee)  
Katon: Jitenrei-Fire Release: Ghost Spin (Copyright Fee)  
Ryusa Bakuryu-Sand Tsunami (See Episode 126, Gaara V Kimimaro)  
Katon: Shimokaki-Fire Release: Frost Fire (Copyright Fee)  
Katon: Goukakyu no Jutsu-Fire Release: Fireball Technique (Episode 7, Sasuke Vs Kakashi, capture the bells)  
Yoton: Youganarashi-Lava Release: Lava Storm (C Fee)  
Ishi Kobushi no Jutsu-Stone Fist technique (C Fee)  
Yoton: Youganouchi-Lava Release: Lava Pit (C Fee)  
Yoton: Yougankasui-Lava Release: Lava Stream (C Fee)**

**Doton: Ishikouu-Earth Release: Stone Rain (C Fee)**


	5. Jailbirds

**Jinchuuriki Gathering**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto! **

**A/N: I play Russian roulette every day, a man's sport, with a bullet called life. **

"**Sugar", by System of a Down. That's the song I used. **

**Kuro=black. Shiro=white. So when Kisame says kuro-Zetsu-san, he's talking to the dark side of the plant dude's face. And shiro-Zetsu-san is when he's addressing the paler side. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Naruto struggled towards consciousness. His mind fought his rebelling body's attempts to stay still and panicked, sending bursts of electricity through his nerve systems. The blond groaned and thrashed his way to wakefulness. He had to help his team! He had to defeat Akatsuki! He had to—he had to—

"Awake at last, the sleepin' beauty be."

Well, poo.

The team he'd intended to help looked mournfully back at him as he struggled to sit up. They were all nine of them in a low ceiling-ed dungeon barely twenty feet across and twenty feet deep. Naruto could feel the subterranean-ness of the whole set up in his bones.

"Why hasn't someone blasted us out of here?" he asked. The grill gate on the right side was metal. Nothing that could stand up to their powers.

"We've all been doped fool/ I know it ain't cool/ But we've got no power/ Even the girl with the flower."

"Kame's jutsu isn't based on her own chakra," Takeshi explained, "So she should've been able to use her pike to get us out of here. But they took it away."

The blond groaned and rubbed his eyes. "Okay. Okay. Okay. We need to sort things out right now. Is everyone one here? Gaara?"

"I'm right here, Naruto."

"Nii, Kame, Akemi?"

Their voices chanted confirmations back at him.

"Hisoka, Takeshi, Bee?"

"Aye lad. We be here."

"Katsutoshi?"

The bubble blower lifted his head up and stared at him blankly. "The little shit is a traitor," he said. "Tobi. He _**betrayed **_us."

Naruto shifted over to him and patted his back. "It's my fault," he said, "I used a mind-search jutsu I learnt from Ino—a Yamanaka—to make sure he wasn't lying about his intentions. It must have been faulty. I got us into this mess; I take responsibility for it."

Gaara cocked his head, as though listening to some musical notes of truth. "A mind-search technique from the Yamanaka clan? The one that uses the water lion seal?"

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, that's the one. Alright team, listen. We form a plan to get out and then carry out what we were gonna do anyway: total annihilation of these smug bastards. I call dibs on Orochimaru, and I say we let Katsutoshi take care of that traitorous fuck, Tobi."

Hisoka growled his approval, but Gaara tutted. "Wait."

Naruto turned impatiently to the redhead. "What?"

"The water lion seal—did you use it before or after the key note sign?"

"After. I did exactly like Ino told me, but I told you, something must've gone wrong—"

"What if something didn't go wrong?" Gaara said quietly, "What if Tobi wasn't lying about his intentions?"

Akemi snorted. "Um, Gaara, weren't you _**there **_when the little crap weasel removed his mask and told us all that he was selling us out?"

"Were _**you**_?" the boy reproached her, "He said his name was Madara."

Takeshi shrugged. "So he lied about his name as well, so what?"

Gaara turned in exasperation to Katsutoshi. "You! You there, you have a brain. Surely you must know, the Yamanaka jutsu is so simple, even _**Naruto **_could accomplish it. And accomplish it well, with no room for error!"

Katsutoshi drew up his knees to his chin and moped. "Leave me alone, carrot top, can't you see I'm bemoaning the loss of my idiot partner?"

"…Am I surrounded by morons!?"

"Gaara," Naruto said sternly, "What have I said about showing emotions?"

The one-tail vessel stood, managing to be menacing in the cramped quarters. "Forget detachment, Naruto! We are in mortal danger and not a single fool amongst us realizes how different Tobi is from the bastard that betrayed us! _**Tobi is not Madara, and Madara is not Tobi!**_"

Nii knitted her brows together wonderingly, working it out. "You mean…two people sharing one body?"

"Why not?" Kame said suddenly, eyes fastened on the redhead, "Its not unheard of."

"Exactly," Gaara almost smiled at her.

Everyone fell into quiet reflection over this revelation, and the song snuck in through the bars of the prison to tap their shoulders for attention and breathe into their ears in spine tingling syllables.

"_The kombocha mushroom people, sitting around all day…_damn it, would you shut up? _Who can believe you? Who can believe you let your mothers pray? Sugar!_"

Another voice joined in, salty and grating. "I got a gun the other day from Sako, its cute, small, fits right in my pocket—"

"Kisame! Not you as well, as if this dolt singing isn't enough to make my head ache…_Sugar! Every time I try to go where I really wanna be it's already where I am—'cause I'm already there!_"

"Nice slide, kuro-Zetsu-san!

"No one is listening to me. The prisoners will take us for idiots. _But we are all of us idiots in one way or another, no, Shiro? _Shut _**up, **_Kuro, as if you know anything, you thrice damned hippie—"

"Oh, don't fight again with yourself, Zetsu-san! Look, the jinchuuriki are watching!"

And indeed they were. Mouths agape, eyes widening/twitching/blinking rapidly, they were gawking at the two dread S-class shinobi that had oh-so-nonchalantly arrived in front of their caged existence.

"_Excuse me,_" the black half of the green one's face moved to say, "_May we please speak to your leader? _Don't be so polite with them, they're our prisoners _about to become our allies _we don't have to treat them as equals _fully capable of handling themselves against us_—"

The blue one nudged his bickering companion to the side and smiled at the group of people staring at him. It was a terrifying smile, all teeth and no kindness, but it jolted them into action. Naruto was propelled to the front of the group, blond hair sticking to his face in sweaty streaks.

"I'm the leader, and I swear I'm gonna kick your ass when we get out there and we _**will **_get out there—"

"Hush, kid," Kisame shushed him, "Yikes, but you talk a lot. Zetsu san and I are here for a reason, its got nothing to do with eating you or skinning you or whatever you might be scared we'll do to you—"

"Perhaps the message isn't getting through to your thick skull," Katsutoshi said loudly, "We're going to obliterate you."

"Don't talk to the man that way, can't you see he's trying to negotiate something?" Takeshi snapped at the boy, causing a small uproar. In the confusion of limbs and hurtling words that followed, Nii Yugito and Killer Bee fought their way to the blue skinned Akatsuki member.

"You were saying something?" the woman prompted.

"Uh, yeah." Kisame tore his gaze away from the scuffle behind her to nod. "We're here to make a deal with you. We'll bust you out of here, but we're planning a coup d'etat of sorts and we'd like your help."

"Kisame, don't just tell them the plan, this is why I said I'd do it you have no skills for this sort of job _he's perfectly capable _oh to you the entire world is capable and I'm the only halfwit _that's not true and you know it, I'm extremely fond of you, you're my better half _spare me your droll wit, you dirty _now, now there's no need for name calling, Shiro—_"

"Right, I think you can continue telling us the deal/ what's in it for us if we help you get behind the wheel?"

"Uh," Kisame said, "You go free."

Nii raised an eyebrow. "Who's to say you won't just drag us all off to get our demons sucked out anyway after we help you with whatever it is needs helping?"

"Because—damn it, Zetsu-san, and Zetsu-san, Tobi's _**your **_lover, _**you **_tell these people your motivation or lack thereof in hunting them!"

"_Will you tell them the story or shall I? _I've got it, thanks. _Your welcome. _Fine, now shut up _well no need I said for _I'm not calling you names, would you just shush!? _Fine, fine…_Alright," the pale face glared at them, "Listen up."

"Hold on a second, dog/I'm gonna get the whole hog," Bee muttered, turning to his squabbling team. "Yo, peeps/ this dude's speaks!"

"Is that the best you can really do?" Nii frowned. He shrugged. "I'm working on it yet/ It'll get better, I bet."

"It can hardly get worse, in any case."

"Why are we listening to the plant dude?" Akemi raised her eyebrows, "He was the girl eater that hung out with the snake guy."

"Part of the job description, to act frightening," Zetsu nodded, "I apologize now, of course, since we will shortly be allies—wait," he added as they began to raise their voices, "Let me _**finish. **_The boy who joined your ranks as Tobi is first and foremost my lover _even though he's really too young _what are you doing? What are you doing? Did I not say I was going to speak, did you not say you'd let me, you liar _name calling again just like the child you are maybe you and Tobi aren't such a bad match after all _oh as if you're not in love with him as well we're the same person after all _we share a mind _and it drives me nuts to do so, let me assure you _I love him too but that doesn't mean—"_

"Perhaps," Kisame said quietly, "I could finish the story?"

"Fine," Zetsu said furiously, "I have words for this 'better half' of mine anyway." And together, the single man sunk into the floor.

"That's really creepy," Naruto commented to no one in particular.

"You'll have to excuse Zetsu-san," the blue man explained, "He's not used to interacting with anyone much. He's nervous."

"Yeah? Which side of him?"

"Naruto," Akemi suggested, "Shut up."

"Tobi is actually Uchiha Madara," Kisame said, "But he doesn't know it. Madara has survived into the present day by a method that is essentially the opposite of Orochimaru's. Orochimaru takes over another person's body and mind—but Madara _**adopts **_another person's body and mind into his. Tobi is the third or fourth person he's done it to. But the thing is, the other people succumbed to Madara's power, they let their bodies go. Tobi fought, Tobi stayed. Madara tried to kill him at first, but then he realized the value of having a whole different person living within him."

"He can infiltrate organizations," Hisoka said, "Without having to lie."

"Precisely what he proceeded to do," Kisame agreed, "And he also used Tobi as an alter ego in Akatsuki. Leader-sama—_**Pein—**_I think knows the real Madara. But he's spared from the tedium of having to act when he's around us—he lets Tobi take over, and Tobi manifest, and Tobi live. Tobi wouldn't alarm a fly. Or harm one, come to think of it…"

"But he forgot to include something in his calculations, didn't he?" Hisoka said, "Tobi was able to act under his own free will. And Tobi is gay."

"And Tobi is gay," Kisame agreed again, impressed by the redhead's deductions, "A soppy fudge packer with the flaming hots for Zetsu-san. And Zetsu-san—"

"Reciprocates," the four tail vessel supplied.

"Yeah, that. I can tell you he wasn't thrilled when he found out Tobi wasn't who he thought he was. Moped for weeks. Wasn't at all good company—not that he was to begin with, you understand, the two people in one thing gets old pretty damn fast…"

He stopped talking to mull over memories. Takeshi coughed loudly.

"Oh, right. So that's why Zetsu-san wants to kill Madara, drive him out for good and put Tobi fully in charge of the body. But he can't do that unless Pein is defeated. And he can't do _**that **_without help."

"What's your story, then?" Hisoka asked, "There's gotta be more to this, me beard be tingling."

"Well, if your _**beard **_is sure," Kame muttered. Akemi shoved and shushed her.

Kisame nodded. "Truth is, Zetsu was never really keen on the whole world domination deal. Its not like the girls will be fawning over his armless body anyway, even if he wanted them to. What does he get out of it? Not a whole lot. And when he found out he'd likely lose the one shred of happiness in his life if Madara won, he said bollocks to the whole thing.

"Now, me? Me, I want this to all blow over because of Itachi. He's my partner, and while I may not be interested in his ass, I do care about him. In my own, perverse way. He's never happy, hell, he's never _**anything—**_except around his brother. I've noticed that. The few times we ran into the brat, when he was in the Leaf Village and a few times when he was under Orochimaru's tutelage—Itachi was so _**alive **_for days afterwards. I like traveling with a partner who shows emotions. Makes for good conversation. 'Hey, I thought I saw your face twitch the other day'. 'Oh, oh yeah, that's 'cause I was suffering extreme depression and was telepathically attempting suicide'."

Nii chuckled. Bee scowled at her. "What?" she said, "It was funny!"

Hisoka nodded. "I see. And you want to break us out to comprehensively defeat them."

"Basically, yeah."

"Alright, that's it!" Kame said, "How come only Hisoka gets dialogue with the blue dude? What, we're not good enough to interact with the enemy-turning-ally?"

Naruto shrugged. "He had the initiative."

Kame told him where he could stuff his initiative, and he slapped her upside the head. "Watch your tongue," he said darkly, "Something might cause it to…oh, fall out."

She muttered rebelliously under her breath, but kept the peace.

Gaara looked at Naruto. "You're the boss," he said, "What say you to their proposition?"

"I was looking forward to obliterating all of them," Naruto admitted, "But I suppose I can live with excluding him and the plant thing. Kisame, I accept your deal on behalf of the jinchuuriki of the world!"

Kisame clapped his hands together. "Excellent! I'll just go call Zetsu-san back and he can break you out!"

"Before you go!" Katsutoshi called after him, "I have a question."

"Yes?"

"Well, if the plant man is indeed a plant man, how would he and Tobi ever…um, make love?"

Kisame folded his brow in and over itself until it was a dark mass of furls. "You know…I don't actually know. You should ask that when I bring him here," he added, and hurried away.

Akemi nodded at Katsutoshi.

"Oh, sure, that won't be awkward at _**all.**_"

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x  
FOR FELIX. Who kept nagging. 8D **


	6. There is A Time, This is Not It

**Jinchuuriki Gathering**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!  
A/N: Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal! Send me a kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire… if you refuse me, honey you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone~ oh baby, telephone, and tell me I'm your own!**

**:D Michigan J. Frog FTW. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

There was a chill in the air that all of them felt. Denying it was like denying the sky, it just didn't work. Denying it meant denying that Naruto and Kame were standing there at the opposite ends of the Akatsuki's security center (hey, even evil organizations need CCTV) glaring at each other with angry words between them.

"They're human," Naruto repeated for the umpteenth time, teeth gritted against the sentence that he'd thrust at her so many times already, "_**Human. **_They're you and me!"

"They're you and me _**after **_turning evil!" Kame yelled, not concerned with appearing the least bit calm, "They're you and me after killing, after killing and hurting and ruining lives, you total moron, can't you see? We've got to _**kill **_them before they can do any more harm!"

"I bet every civilian you've ever went on a mission against thinks the same thing! They're shinobi too—they're _**ninjas—**_"

"They're not working for anyone but their own selfish needs! I can't believe you're standing there backing them up! They took away your best friend, they shattered your team—"

"Kame," Nii said sharply, "Wait."

They thought it was the shell-shocked expression on Naruto's face at the mention of his friend, but it was the footsteps out the door.

Kisame poked his head in, looking extremely uncomfortable. "Listen," he said roughly, "I understand you're having some sort of power shift in here. But Zetsu's got everyone in the game room, and he says that if there's a time for action, this is it. No one suspects everything right now, but soon it'll be time for someone to feed you all, and if you're not in the cell to be fed…well, that'd be a bit hard to explain."

"He agrees too!" Kame said, "The time for action is at hand, Naruto, stop _**talking!**_"

"I'm not going to burst in there and kill a bunch of people that remind me of me and my friends," Naruto said stubbornly, crossing his arms. "I'm going to capture them and try to talk to them. Who's with me?"

Kisame looked at the jinchuuriki. Well, this _**was **_awkward. Sighing, he damned the bright idea of Zetsu's that put them all in the security center, and the two hours of observing the other Akatsuki members that put Naruto in this state of mind.

000

First it had been the artists.

"You with your _**puppets, **_danna, pretending they're art—art isn't just enduring for eternity, un, boring after a few glances—its in your _**mind!**_ The breathtaking death of beauty—that is art, un!"

"You don't know what you're talking about, brat. Your explosions are smoke in the wind; they're forgettable. Who's going to remember art like that? Art stands forever, enduring, stunning, capturing the fancy of generations—"

They'd been sitting across a shogi board, that'd been the problem. Naruto had been reminded of a friend, a Nara boy-genius sitting across his sensei and debating back and forth on various topics. Not once had murder, extortion, pain—not once had those things entered the conversation. The pair had talked softly, passionately.

It had pissed Kame off.

"Who do they think they are?" she hissed, "Just…sitting there like they haven't done anything wrong! Sitting there like they deserve that happiness in their life!"

She whirled to Naruto. "Don't you think so? They don't deserve to be happy!"

But how could you really judge that?

Akemi had been braiding Nii's hair. She looked up and said, "Kame, are you just jealous because the blond pulls of the fringe better than you?"

Not a comment that went down well with the sandy haired Sanbi.

000

"Naruto, come look at this."

The blond leader had obliged Takashi, plodding over to the camera that showed Kisame and Itachi reclining in silence on two divans.

"Kisame?" the Uchiha said as Naruto got there.

"Yes, Itachi-san?"

"Why do you think my brother isn't chasing me anymore? Why do you think he went back to that village?"

They all saw the hesitation in Kisame's face. He glanced surreptitiously at the CCTV that he knew was watching him.

"I think, Itachi-san, that the kid really wanted him back."

"The nine-tails jinchuuriki, you mean."

"Yeah."

Itachi sat up and stared at his partner. "But my brother hates me."

Kisame sat up as well and bowed his head. "Maybe he loves the boy more, Itachi-san. From what little I know of friendship, I understand it's hard to let go."

Silence fell over the room, and silence reigned in the security console.

000

The whole world was just so damn frustrating. Naruto was just so damn frustrating. He'd told Zetsu and Kisame to plan it so all the Akatsuki would be in the same room, and now that they were he didn't want to kill them, and that didn't go down well at all with the jinchuuriki—why should it? Why would it? They'd signed up for murder, for death, for the chance to humiliate and kick and spit at the bastards that'd been so intent on taking away what little happiness they'd salvaged into their lives.

And now Naruto didn't want that.

"Who's with me?"

Gaara stood on Naruto's side. There was nothing for him here except Naruto. He didn't care enough about anything except the boy that'd woken up the human in him. As far as he was concerned, Naruto was his liege-lord and nothing was ever going to change that.

Akemi, by contrast, stood with Naruto, stood against Kame. She stood by her principles, by the fact that she never relished the thought of killing too much, by wanting the fighting to end and knowing Kame was more likely to back down than Naruto.

Takashi backed the girl.

"We have to defeat our enemies," he rumbled, "There's no other way."

Why couldn't there be another way?  
Hisoka drifted in the middle, unsure. Nii stood with him, but the Bee was with Kame.

Katsutoshi made his way to Naruto's side.

"I'm not killing the orange-mask boy," he said. That decided it for Hisoka, who followed the bubble blower. Nii was torn. The Bee spoke out to her.

"Baby, come over here/ You can't be serious/ Remember that fear?/ Remember what they did to you."

But didn't hatred just spark more hatred?

Was this her chance to end the circle, or was it just the world trying to trick her out of revenge?

Kisame watched uneasily, knowing whatever was happening here was going to have a hand in his own future, and _**very **_pissed off that he couldn't do anything about it.

"Naruto," Kame said in a steely voice, "We're going to fight to kill. If you get in our way, if you make one move to protect them, we fight to kill you as well."

Her eyes glided over Akemi, who snorted. "Girl, you're insane. There are more of us than there are of you."

All eyes fell on Nii, dithering between them and unable to decide.

And then Zetsu rose from the ground, his musical half singing. "_Marionette, teacher's pet! Marionette, sensei no pet!"_

The other side glanced hatefully at the singer. "Kakuzu was walking by the prison and saw it empty. They're coming here. I can't stop them."

The time had come for action.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**-ponders- was that a bit of a u-turn, did it come off too abrupt? I'd been planning it, but…**


	7. The Sage of Six PathsBitch

**Jinchuuriki Gathering**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!**

**A/N: I don't know what to say. I know where I went wrong with this. It started out ridiculous and somewhere along the line I started to take it seriously and then it became this. You deserve better, you deserve more consistency, and I apologize for not delivering. Still, I think its not at all bad. **

**Thanks for sticking with me this far! **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Before we commence what I am immensely relieved to report as our last chapter, I must mention a little something about blood clotting.

Its really more important than scab formation really ought to be and if it didn't happen you'd die a horrible death like Alexei Nikolovitch Romanov. We certainly don't want that to happen, do we? No, we don't.

So, to reiterate: clotting is good. The reason we care is because Pein (…its not Pain. No. Screw you. Go hump a spoon.) was bleeding. Of course, Pein was an animated corpse so he didn't really care that much about it. In fact the man controlling Pein was wondering why the hell a corpse that was nearly two decades old even had any blood left to lose. He figured it was because the rin'nengan was just loaded with awesome like that, and I'm not arguing his logic.

Pein was bleeding because Hidan had skewered him indelicately with that charming scythe he liked to carry around. To know why the _**hell **_Hidan was fighting Pein and how the man with the slowest attack in Akatsuki had pegged the leader of the damn organization against a crumbling wall you'll have to wait for the next episode of Villains Gone Wild.

What? I'm _**kidding. **_

To find out, you need to let me take you away from the stuffy Akatsuki headquarters to a small cave in a mountain not too far away. Inside this cave is a strange, cruel machine that at first glance seems to have a corpse trapped in it—and then you notice the extraordinary eyes still humming with life.

"Nagato," Konan said, "You need to stop."

"I still have five Paths I can call upon."

"But you _**shouldn't!**_" the woman moved towards him in a flurry of agitated paper: she wasn't the real thing, just a shadow clone of herself. "You're falling apart at the seams—"

"Ha-ha."

"And you haven't eaten in a day! This wasn't supposed to be a suicide mission!"

Nagato opened his mouth to say something and coughed instead. The paper Konan flitted to his side and dapped his fevered brow with a tissue hand.

"Eloquently said," she muttered wryly, "Yahiko's Pein dead you wasting away in this chair—I _**knew **_catching all the jinchuuriki at once was a bad idea. It takes two of us to bring down one of them, Nagato! And then you went and put all of them together under Akatsuki's care when you _**knew **_Zetsu was planning something."

"Madara wouldn't wait," Nagato sulked at her, "He's in a hurry."

Konan snorted. She didn't have a terribly good opinion of the ancient Uchiha. He gave her the screaming heebie-jeebies.

"I still don't know why you let yourself get bossed around by that old fraud. He's just as bad as the rest of them, you know that? Him with his grand plans for revenge—you _**know **_where revenge leads."

"I know!" the man snapped, "I know, dammit!"

"That's right," she said waspishly, "I forgot you're God." Her heavily shaded eyes held his angry gaze with a rage of their own, and then she turned her back on him. The argument lay sore and dangerous between them, neither of them willing to approach it.

God caved first. "I'm going to call on the five Paths," he said softly, "I need you to get my chakra to the fallen one." He held out a painfully bony hand and a blue glow collected around it. Konan looked for a moment as though she'd love to tell him what to do with his hand, and then the moment passed. She glared and took hold of the offered appendage.

Stupid, dying jerk.

000

About an hour ago, when Hidan, Kakuzu, Itachi, Deidara, Sasori, Konan and Pein had stormed the security center, something a lot like pandemonium had gone down.

"Kisame," Itachi had said without expression in a flat tone that could be correctly construed as shock.

"Itachi-san," his partner had bowed respectfully to prepare himself for battle. The younger man held up a hand.

"Wait," he said, "I don't want to fight you."

The missing Mist nin was so surprised by this statement (because lets face it: coming from Itachi it was like a declamation of undying love) he forgot to be hurt by the spider Deidara exploded in his vicinity. He did, however, faint dead away.

"Alright," Itachi said with an impassive face, "Now I'm angry."

The jinchuuriki were milling abut in total uncertainty, unsure of whether to follow Kame's example and or Naruto's.

Their confusion was outmatched by Konan, who really didn't get why Naruto was blocking every blow Kame aimed at her.

"I can fight for myself, boy!" she said loudly, mistaking his defense of her as some sort of sad attempt at chivalry. He ignored her, so she turned on Zetsu, who was watching the proceedings from the ceiling with something approximating amusement.

"You're seriously fired, plant man."

"Do I get paid for the last overtime I did? _It's the end of the world as we know it and I'm kinda hyped—_would you stop singing when I'm trying to deliver a witty quip!?"

Kakuzu leaned against the door and watched Itachi stare down Deidara over Kisame's still form. The masked man rolled his toxic eyes.

"It's my opinion that this whole organization's gone to the dogs," he said to Hidan.

"This is the face of someone who doesn't give a flying fuck," the zealot told him happily, "Look how many sacrifices!"

"Bet you can't kill just one," Kakuzu smirked, and Hidan jumped into the fray with him. Sasori's great doll lashed a tail out at them both.

"You morons! Fight _**for **_Akatsuki, not against it!"

"Why?" Hidan asked, surprising his partner. The Jashin-worshipping asshole wasn't known for asking questions first.

Sasori didn't have a reply.

"Look around you, fucker," Hidan gestured, "Akatsuki's reaping its reward for shunning Jashin-sama. I'm going to make damn sure I don't get fucked for associating with sinners. Don't worry, Kuzu—I'll put in a good word for you!"

"Don't get yourself killed!" Kakuzu yelled after him, and then shrugged at Sasori's stunned silence.

"I'm going to loot the place, Orochimaru's getting a head start," he said, "Why don't you join us?"

"Sounds good," Sasori said, and stepped out of his puppet.

Nagato watched the mayhem through Pein's eyes and marveled. His greatest genius had been his greatest failure too. Putting together a team of ostracized S-class shinobi had been brilliant—keeping them together over a course of _**years**_ had been a mistake. Akatsuki had degenerated from a well-coordinated, highly motivated machine to a den of vipers, all aching to bite each other.

Konan grabbed his shoulders and shook them wildly. "They killed me!" she shouted into his face.

"But," Pein frowned at her, "You're alive."

"You're right," Konan said, "Not for long, though." She gestured to a dark, bloodied hole in her cloak and Pein's rippled eyes widened.

"You're out of healing chakra?" he asked, slapping a hand to her wounded abdomen. She blinked. "No, I'm not."

The Path stopped what he was doing to frown at her again. "You're being uncharacteristically useless, Konan."

"I helped with that," Zetsu said, "I injected her with serum that disrupts clear thought. Want a taste? _On the good ship/ Lollipop it's a sweet trip/ To the candy shop—_for the love of—!" Zetsu scolded his better half, "If you _**have **_to sing, make it something fitting! Let's hear a bit of Voltaire's 'Evil'! _Yes, of course: Life is easy when you're evil/ Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need/ The devil tips his hat to me!_"

"I don't have time for this," Pein told the plant. He grabbed Konan by the waist and was pumping healing chakra when a voice invited him to turn.

"This is for the worst fucking uniform ever, leader's bitch!!"

It wasn't a terribly hard decision for Nagato to make. Konan was hurt and if Hidan's scythe hit her she might die. Pein was a corpse who could stop that from happening. So Pein—on Nagato's instructions—hurled himself heroically in the line of fire and was pinned to the wall while Konan clasped her hands to her chest and cried, "Oh, Yahiko's corpse-kun!"

Pre-Shippuden Sakura syndrome, Nagato thought heavily, and then wondered where the hell that had come from.

000

Zetsu was having the time of his life.

"Look, Kuro," the fair skinned side thrilled, "Akatsuki in shambles!"

"_Great,_" Shiro said sincerely, "_I could write a song about it. Where's Tobi when you need him to tap a beat?_"

"With Madara. They left to rub Konoha's nose into the fact that we've got their favorite son."

""_The blond? Doesn't look like anyone's got him anywhere. Why's he not using the Kyuubi's power?_"

"Why am I expected to know how these people think?"

The plant doesn't know, but I do. Naruto was of course not using Kyuubi's power because he still didn't have a very good bond with the fox: the alien chakra would peel him apart. Kame on the other hand had long ago succumbed to the voice in her head. The Sanbi had fused with her soul and now they fought madly, dangerously.

_Let me out, kit, this is embarrassing! Even on a bad day I'd rip that filthy water-breather apart—_

Tortoises don't breathe water, Naruto told the demon irately, and shut up.

Kame's skin glowed, but not with the sheen of happiness or good health. It was a sickly green that clashed with her lavender eyes and made that the sweet poison exuding from her flower adorned staff that much worse.

"Kame, listen to me, _**please!**_" Naruto yelled at her as he ducked another swipe of her anger, "Let's just try to work out a deal with them—you have to give them a chance!"

Kame's only response was to fly at his throat again.

_Fuck it, kit, everything has a limit. Sometimes to get someone to listen you have to make sure their ears are the only things left working. _

Fair enough, Naruto said, and let a little bit of red chakra leak into his next punch. Akemi watched her friend fly across the room and slam through the wall.

"He's on my side," she told Takeshi proudly. The poison worker stared in astonishment at Naruto, who was now clonking Bee's head against his chakra fueled palm.

"Stop standing around like a bunch of useless morons and fall in line! I'm the boss and I said we're not fighting Akatsuki! Any smartass who wants to try anyway is going to have his brains smashed in by me!"

In the resounding silence that followed Nii cleared her throat and said, "_**His **_brains? So the girls can disobey you?"

"Shut the hell up with your gender equality and get me some goddamn rope!"

Ah, yes. He might've gone Zen on them for a while, but the core of the blond was still Naruto.

000

Kisame came to his sense with a loud, tortured groan. Rubbing his abused head, he surveyed the damage around him, taking in particularly the dusty boy sitting a little ways off. Itachi was sitting on a sturdy little stool, his cloak shucked neatly over his crossed arms. His head drooped into his sternum and he held a bottle of water in his hand.

Kisame winced and took it. The young man's head snapped up and the swordsman saw with amazement that the eyes were black, jet black for the first time since they'd met.

"Holy shit," Kisame said.

Itachi half-raised one eyebrow. "What, did God bless a pile of feces?"

Kisame drank deeply from the bottle. "Itachi-san," he said, "You just cracked a joke. What the hell happened when I was out?"

"Enough to make my head spin," Itachi replied calmly, "And all of it wrought by Naruto, the nine-tails' vessel."

"The same blond who mistook you for your brother all those years ago?" Kisame grinned. "How fast these kids grow."

Itachi stood, letting his Akatsuki cloak fall to the ground. Kisame couldn't place his finger on it yet, but some sort of crucial change had snuck over the brunet. Even the way he stood—shoulders down, hands loose—gave away a new brightness in his soul.

"There's something in him, Kisame," Itachi said quietly, "Something more than the nine tails."

"It's a brain," Kisame said, "He's finally figured out he has one."

"I'm…hopeful about the future."

"You think I have a hope of finding a working bathroom in this place?"

"Are you concussed? I'm trying to have a conversation with you."

"Well I'm hardly used to it, Itachi-san! Years of silence and now you want to pour your heart out to me? Give me time. To pee, first, and then to get used to it."

Disappointment dusted Itachi's eyes, only for a second. "You're right. Come with me, I'll fill you in as we walk."

There was a lot to tell.

000

The real Slim Shady—uh, Konan—was walking around the chaotic room aimlessly but her clone (separated from the woman by a thin wall of chakra) was fully functional. She flew into the security booth and landed on Pein as flutter of butterflies. Nagato's chakra sunk into the corpse's nose rings and the Sage of Six Paths could see through Yahiko's dead eyes again.

Nii Yugito was arguing with the Bee over the proper knot to use when tying up a young girl (Kame, naturally, had to be restrained until Naruto got around to making her see reason) and Deidara had just staggered away from Itachi's tsukiyomi deluxe when the first Path entered the premises.

"Greetings," Nagato said through him, "I bring news from the underworld. You're all going to die."

Deidara stared at the man. "Hey," he said, "Hey, un. Have I seen you somewhere? Family reunion, is that it, yeah?"

The shadow clone Konan slapped her fer srs!counterpart around a bit. The kunoichi returned to her senses.

Zetsu watched four more Paths enter the scene and gave a dainty sort of sigh.

"_We might have to use It._

"Use what?

"_You know…It._

"No, I don't know.

"_Didn't I tell you about that one move?_

"Maybe, maybe not! I don't know which move we decided to call IT!

"_Oh, maybe I didn't tell you. I learned the move you were reading about in the book the other week. Kisame knows._

"The Blight? You didn't! You did? How? When!?

"_You were asleep. Missed the whole thing._

"…You're not asleep when I'm asleep?"

Naruto and his gang backed into a corner around Kame as the Paths and Konan advanced on them. The rest of Akatsuki had either escaped or was otherwise disabled. The kyuubi vessel held up his hands and spoke to Konan.

"Look," he cajoled, "We went through a sort of mess with our internet politics. There was an attempted coup," he pointed at Kame, "But its all good now. If you would just take us to your leader, I wanna talk to him. about Jiraiya. About peace. About all those piercings—I was thinking of getting my ear done, and maybe we could, I dunno, get it together?"

"There's no room for another ear piercing," Konan said, "But I was thinking about another navel ring."

"Really?"

"Yes," she said, "I think I'll get it done as a reward for killing you."

Naruto gritted his teeth and crossed his arms. "No," he said, "There are enough of us to make this a fuckin' scary fight. You can't win. Please—just lets _**talk.**_"

"My sensei used to want to talk all the time, too," Konan said, "But that's why he's dead and I'm still alive. Listen demon…Naruto, listen. You want to talk? Here the full extent of my side's willing to say: drop dead."

"Hey," Zetsu said, "Now there's an idea."

Everyone turned to look at him, because it was that sort of statement. He grinned a nasty grin, and then he exploded.

Everyone started screaming. What the _**fuck **_was this? What the _**fuck **_was going on? What the _**fuck **_were they screaming for?

One by one like bats scattering to the night, their cries faded into nothingness and left a pink sense of abashment in the air.

"That was weird," said Nii.

"I'll say," Konan frowned, "I've never seen Zetsu do that."

"Die, you mean?" Katsutoshi said, "I think that's a one-time trick."

"He didn't die," Nagato spoke through the sole female Path, "Konan, stop breathing."

"You drop dead too."

"No," Nagato hissed, "I'm not insulting you, just stop breathing!"

She looked doubtful (this _**was **_the man who'd thought it was a good idea to play footsie with death for the sake of a little extra power) but stopped breathing. The jinchuuriki looked to Naruto, who frowned.

"Well, Zetsu was on our side," he mused, "A little. Maybe whatever move that was won't get us?"

It was a rhetorical question, but they got the answer anyway. Konan and the Paths (ooh, band name!) slumped suddenly to the ground without a word, but not a single jinchuuriki even felt faint.

"Cool," Naruto said, "Let's tie these guys up too."

"Where the hell you getting all this rope/ And is it some place where I can buy dope?" Bee questioned Nii as she returned with armfuls of the stuff.

"Supplies closet," she said, "And I didn't know you get high."

"Sometimes, baby/Is that shocking to see?"

"You rhyme baby with way too many things."

Akemi crouched next to Kame, who was still out of the world like Sai was out of the closet. Takeshi crouched with, and the young girl shook her head.

"She should've stuck with me," Akemi said a little mournfully, "Or at least have had the sense to not go against Naruto."

"The way he kicked her," Takeshi whispered, "It was unbelievable. The ninetails is truly a demon to reckon with."

"Duh. Why do you think we were taking orders from him in the first place?"

All seemed well and good for the jinchuuriki, but Nagato in his cave was edging a little closer to panic. His best friend and second in command was down, and she had all his weapons with her. The sage of six paths rued the day he'd hired Zetsu without finding out exactly what he was capable of. He also rued treating the anthromorph more like a plant and less like a sentient being, but he didn't blame himself too much for that. It was hard to take seriously someone without arms.

The big question now was _where was Zetsu?_ Nagato knew better than to think the man had kicked the bucket. The problem was, without the Paths he could only see this dreary cave he'd chosen to hide out in, and his own useless hand: too weak and bony to save anyone.

So what else was new?

No. Something _**was **_new. Nagato refused to be helpless anymore. He was going to win this war even if he had to get down to the Akatsuki headquarters himself and beat the tar out of the jinchuuriki gang currently holding Konan—dead or alive.

Fuck this shit, he was _**not **_losing another friend.

000

Kisame had been nestled respectfully in a corner and the rest of Akatsuki had been rounded up fairly easily. They had little team spirit left to them and were curious about Naruto, the blond who kept reassuring them that no one was going to kill them.

"What a strange little fucker," Hidan told Kakuzu. The money minded immortal gave a grunt that succinctly expressed his opinion on the matter: whatever. In his lap he held a large urn overflowing with valuables Akatsuki had hoarded for the past few years: the stash to which he'd been treasurer for until everything went to hell. Next to him was Itachi, looking utterly uninterested in the goings-on. Knowing him as they did his colleagues understood that he was as fascinated as the rest of them by this totally _**weird **_turn of events; he just sucked at showing it.

Orochimaru sat a little way from the Uchiha, with Sasori and Deidara. The latter was regaining his senses slowly, following the conversations flowing around him.

Naruto, who'd been conferring on the other side of the room with his posse, now approached them with a nervous grin.

**It would be so much easier to just kill them, kit. **

_Shut it, fox. I don't take advice from tenants in my head._

**But begging them for their power is okay?  
**Ignoring this, Naruto opened his mouth to address the remnants of his

enemies, and was interrupted by their leader who popped into the scene with aplomb.

"I'm here to rescue everybody," Nagato announced, pointing at Naruto, "Except you. you get to go to hell because you have offended He Who Ought Not to Be Offended." He took a dramatic pause and added, "That's me."

"God, damn it," Naruto sighed.

Nagato smirked. "Exactly.

000

Perhaps it will come as no surprise to you that eight powerful jinchuuriki took down one weakened man with little trouble, but it certainly came as a surprise to the tatters of Akatsuki. They had always viewed the shadowy figure that governed them as an invincible entity of unimaginable power. And while that had been true, invincibility could be taken away. And it had been, judging by the way Konan and a bunch of redheads were trussed up in the corner.

"Not a great first impression for our leader to make on us," Orochimaru noted.

"Fuck the motherfucker," Hidan said, "He's not our leader anymore. I quit Akatsuki—if there's an Akatsuki left to fuckin' quit." He shrugged off his cloak and threw it aside, spitting on it for good measure.

"That's disgusting," Kakuzu told him, "Good money went into making that cloak. You could've kept it."

"Nuh-uh, un," Deidara protested, having figured out most of what had gone down, "Its, like, a symbol of the way leader-sama oppressed us with his lies. _**And **_its bad taste. I think we should blow them up, un."

"Oh you," Sasori said, "You'd blow up the world with you still in it if you had your way. Stay quiet, brat, and let your elders decide what to do here."

"I don't know," Orochimaru said silkily, "His elders may not be the ones deciding." He gave a significant glance in Naruto's direction. The boy had retreated to confer with his cohorts again. Damn all these unexpected interruptions!

Itachi cleared his throat and his colleagues looked at him eagerly. It wasn't often that the Uchiha spoke up in group discussions, and what he had to say usually made a lot of sense.

"I'm thirsty," he said, "I want water."

Well, you had to admit. It made sense, after a battle and all.

"Excuse me," Kakuzu called out to the woman he'd bound and captured not so long ago, "Miss Two-tails? We're going to go down to the kitchen to get ourselves some drinks, alright?"

Nii surveyed him with suspicion. "Why are you being polite?"

Kakuzu shrugged. "Good manners? You're not an enemy (…it doesn't look like…) and you're not an irritating money-squandering partner." He glared at Hidan, who snorted his disinterest.

"Um," she turned to Naruto, who nodded, "Go ahead, then."

One by one, the S-class criminals all stood up and walked out of the door, talking quite amicably to each other and glancing with unabashed curiosity at the jinchuuriki, who looked back in mild confusion. Deidara even offered Gaara a smile, one that the Kazekage accepted with a gracious dip of his head.

Naruto turned back to his people. "Okay," he said, "What the hell?"

Nii refrained from rolling her eyes. "Well, I take it these guys aren't Akatsuki any more. They're just…them. Itachi and Hidan and Kakuzu and whoever else."

"Orochimaru," Akemi said.

"Deidara," Gaara remembered.

"Sasori," Naruto frowned, "And the bone kid."

They all looked at Nagato, who was watching with dull eyes.

"He's a problem," Hisoka agreed, "Especially if he has the woman with him. we don't know their story but I'm pretty damn sure they aren't going to let the dissolution of Akatsuki stop them."

"Hear, hear," Katsutoshi muttered, and addressed Naruto. "If ever you had the power of persuasion, now is the time to bring it out in all its glory. To find out who they are."

"Right," the blond boss decided, "Here's what we're gonna do."

He's what they did: they all of them adjourned to the largest room—which was also the most stable after the fight the building had just suffered. The liberated Akatsuki avoided looking at Konan and company. The jinchuuriki avoided looking at each other. The result was that both groups ended up looking at the other—though no one met Itachi's eye. They weren't quite ready to face his sharingan. The Uchiha took note of this fact, and then noted that Kisame had been left in the ruined security room. He slipped away to seek out his fishy partner. No one missed him.

000

Kisame stopped short and held out a hand to Itachi's shoulder, as it to touch it.

"Zetsu exploded?" he asked, "Holy shit. I know where he is."

"Where?" his companion asked, and the older man jerked a thumb over his shoulder, indicating the direction they'd come from. Itachi followed him back to the room and there they found Naruto and Gaara.

"We were looking for clues as to where the plant guy might've gone," Naruto said. His exuberant tones had a hint of weariness, a growing desire to stop and rest of a bit. Gaara heard it louder than Kisame or Itachi did; he moved closer to his friend.

"That's great," Kisame said, distracted, "I know where Zetsu is."

"Seriously?" Naruto stared. "Where?"

Kisame wasn't going to let his information go that easily. He was the center of attention for once—even Itachi couldn't look away—and he wanted to milk this for all it was worth. He gave a superior sort of smile and beckoned them closer with a curl of his fingers.

"A few weeks ago," he began in a stage whisper, "Zetsu told me about this jutsu he'd found. It knocked down the last hurdle in our planned coup d'etat: how to get rid of Konan and the leader and whatever henchmen they may've assembled. Its called the Blight, and it is _**powerful.**_ You can kill up to a hundred chosen victims with it, irrespective of what jutsu they might be firing at you—and you'd survive. No ill effects like so many lethal battle jutsu. You know what I'm talking about."

Naruto thought about his rase-shuriken and intercellular damage and said yeah, he knew what Kisame was talking about.

"The Blight, however, has a catch."

"Like all the good ninja techniques," Gaara nodded.

"Yeah. The reason Zetsu told me about the jutsu is because first of all, I'm in on the coup with him and second of all, the Blight takes two people to perform. One of explode (Zetsu demonstrated that bit for us) and one to bring back the exploder."

Itachi let out his breath in a long sigh. "May we assume," he asked, "That you are the one who can do that?"

Kisame smiled, basking in the glow of their undivided attention. "You bet your sweet ass I am."

000

A quick chant and some intense concentration later, their photosynthesizing friend had been returned unto them.

"Yo," Kisame said, holding up a hand for Zetsu to smack, "I did a good job with the resurrection, yeah?"

Shiro and Kuro stared in mute, mutual disgust until the put his hand down.

"Oh, right. No arms. Sorry."

"Naruto," Shiro said, "Konan and those siblings with her—they're dead?"

"Yeah," Naruto said, "But the carrot tops with her were already dead, and I don't think they were related."

Zetsu hid his disappointment. "Well then," he said, "_What's your next move__**?**_"

"I'm going to talk to the leader dude."

"You haven't killed him yet!?"

Gaara shook his head. "No. And he's also upset you killed the woman. Naruto is going to make peace with Akatsuki."

Itachi made a small noise. "There is no Akatsuki left to make peace with. What you have is a group of S-class missing shinobi."

"Whose voice is that?" Naruto said loudly, "Is that the scumbag who killed his entire extended family and made my best friend cry? Oh, sorry. Your opinion I don't give a shit about."

"You can see how he'd bring peace to the world," Kisame grinned at the scandalized Uchiha, "He's got quite a way words."

With Zetsu alternately yapping and singing in his ear about the utter stupidity of his stupidness, with Gaara walking sedately next to him, with Sasuke's brother following him in wary awe and with Kisame bringing up the rear, Naruto burst into the meeting room.

Chaos didn't reign; it ran amok with its subjects screaming "I am an anarchist, bitch!" Kame had regained her senses and things broke, screamed, swore and shattered because of it. Naruto took it in with a sweeping glance.

"Don't fret, people," he said lazily, "Naruto's got everything under control." (A light fixture exploded near his head and he ducked to avoid the shrapnel.)

Sure he did.

000

It took some time, but eventually everyone was quiet, everything was settled, everyone was watching Naruto wake up Nagato.

"You jerk," the god said woozily when Naruto's face spun into focus.

"Good evening," Naruto sassed him.

"You complete kneebiter. You killed my Konan and Paths."

"I know," Naruto said, "But I'm really sorry about that. Even though you killed my sensei—Jiraiya, remember him? Yeah, I was seriously pissed off about that until a couple of hours ago."

"You have no right to be angry about that," Nagato declared, "Jiraiya was mine to kill. He was my master before you were even born."

There was an intense silence before Naruto spoke. "I heard that. And I realized I was mad enough to kill at a person I'd never even met—someone who'd known ero-sennin. I was thinking, how could anyone know him, talk to him, be taught by him, and still end up murdering him? I wanted to know you." Naruto blinked. "I wanted to hate you in an informed way."

Nagato was shaking his head. "You're just a boy. You're not me, you're not a god. You can't understand…what the world was like…during a ninja war."

"Then tell me," Naruto cajoled, "Let me hear your story. Why all this?"

Nagato observed him with eerily sane eyes. Dark awnings of lashes blinked once, twice. A slow smile places itself on his lips. "Alright," he said, "I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything. I'll pour my heart out to you. but after all that, I'm going to ask you a question: what else would you have done? In my shoes, knowing what I know, you will see that what I do is the only way to bring peace to the world. And when you do, you and the rest of the jinchuuriki must submit. You must become my weapon. Do you agree?"

Naruto didn't think twice before pledging himself and his team to the dark haired man. "Done," he said with a triumphant grin, "But if I don't agree, if I know a better way, _**you **_have to listen to me."

"Agreed," the god said, entering the pact with a nod, "Now, I will start my story."

"_Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name,_" Zetsu hummed for a background score, "_But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game._"

Levelly, Naruto said, "Someone strangle the tree."

Deidara rose to the occasion magnificently and Zetsu stopped sympathizing with the devil.

Nagato regaled them with his tale. It was told in an oddly impersonal way, but that was because he'd long since detached himself from the frightened little boy of Rain Village who'd just been trying to survive his parents' death. Time strolled by on the wheels of his words and a change in his tone signified his meeting with Konan.

"She was like the moon, peeking from behind the rain clouds to check in on me and I was susceptible to her charms," he recollected with a soft smile. It turned into a scowl when he remembered Konan today. "She was recently murdered. By a complete kneebiter."

"His bad," Naruto pointed at Zetsu, who said, "What kind of cum gurglingly stupid insult is _**kneebiter**_?"

"Yahiko." Nagato reprised memories of the handsome, spiky haired corpse, "He was our leader. This was all his idea. He wanted to have the world under his control so that he could make it better. But he didn't know how to get that power…until we saw the legends."

His voice took on a misty quality. He was honestly reliving his history.

"Jiraiya, Tsunade and Orochimaru. Konohagakure's golden team."

"That's what they used to call us," Naruto cut in, "Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto: Konoha's golden team, until the bastard left us."

"Hey," Nagato said, "I don't give a fuck."

People sniggered, and Naruto simmered.

"Yahiko loved them. I mean, really. He wanted that sort of power, so he told us he'd walk up to them—it was crazy, we tried to stop him, we were scared—and he walked up to them and asked for food. We teased him for days because he chickened out, but he got what he wanted anyway. One of them wanted to take care of us for a while."

"Jiraiya," Naruto reminisced.

"The movie star," Zetsu trilled softly, and was promptly beaten up.

"Our sensei," Nagato said after Zetsu had been adequately bruised, "And, we thought at the time, the most inspiring man in the world. He and Yahiko shared dreams. They kept talking about a Sage of Six Paths—someone who'd mastered six high disciplines and used them to found the ninja world. Bu when he tried to teach al six practices to one person, he failed. He couldn't get it to work. Everyone was good at something; no one but him was best at everything. Jiraiya and Yahiko talked about a second coming of the Sage. A ninja who could perfect the six disciples once again, and unite the world under his banner."

Nagato took a deep breath full of resentment and bitterness and really wild feelings. "Yahiko started to love Jiraiya more than he loved us, and Jiraiya showered him with special attention. Konan and I were so jealous. Sue he was our sensei—but the three of us were a team!"

"What is it with ninjas and teams?" Akemi muttered to Kame, but no one answered.

"Anyway, something terrible happened."

"Yahiko died?" Naruto asked in a hushed whisper.

"Jiraiya died."

A polite sense of unjustified drama hung in the air, and Nagato, sensing it, continued. "What, you don't think that's too bad? Hah. Three orphans who finally found a parent substitute; who finally have a chance to just be children, who are finally learning that maybe the world isn't always cruelly unfair get that person ripped away from them. We had no warning. There were no signs. He finished a routine training session one day and it was like all the rain had water logged his brain. He announced he was leaving. Just like that."

Nagato paused. His eyes, to everyone's incomprehensive surprise, grew misty. "…Just. Like. That."

The pause stretched on until the touching moment snapped under prolonged strain, and Nagato resumed his story with a new briskness in his voice.

"We were abandoned in the middle of nowhere by a person we thought had cared about us. The war was over by now, but our fight had started. Yahiko set out to realize his dream…_**their **_dream. He was determined to become the new Sage. Jiraiya had thought that the Sage was born rather than made, but Yahiko believed that anyone could become anything if they were stubborn enough." A smile scampered across the god's features. "And there was no one more stubborn than Yahiko. He wanted to be a Sage, a God. He started collecting more urchins, he taught them all Jiraiya had taught us. We started fighting, for justice."

"Like superheroes?" Naruto asked, and Nagato nodded. "Exactly. That's what Yahiko wanted us to be."

"And what did you become instead?" the blond asked, frowning, "A super _**villain.**_"

"You don't know!" Nagato snapped. "Yahiko died. He was killed. I almost lost Konan as well. The rin'nengan woke up, and that's when I knew. _**I was the sage.**_"

"No you're not," said Naruto doggedly.

"Don't be a brat. Of course I am."

"Yeah? Then tell me, all-fuckin'-mighty sage, what are the six path of power? They can't all be _**pain.**_ Ever heard of yin and yang, asshole? Ever heard of shades of grey? Go ahead, moron. Gimme an answer."

'Flabbergasted' was a word that came to mind at the look on Nagato's face. 'Murderous' was another.

"Who else could it possibly be?" he hissed, "I have the rin'nengan!"

"Well," Naruto said innocently, "It could be me."

A deadly silence ensued.

"Yes," Naruto pursued the stunning statement, "Jiraiya shared his dream with me as well. Yahiko was right. The sage is made. And Jiraiya made me. I have the six paths of life nestled in the palm of my hand, Nagato, and I will use them to blow you straight to hell. You have been a naughty boy and I must punish you…for I am your father."

Gaara rolled his eyes as Nagato let out a shriek of disbelief. Kisame enjoyed particularly the look of exasperated shock on Itachi's face. The little blond terror was full of surprises.

"Stop fucking with him, kid," Takeshi called out, "And just finish up, I'm freakin' hungry!"

This sentiment was echoed by the liberated Akatsuki and Naruto complied.

"Listen," he told Nagato, "You want my answer? Here's my answer: forget it. There's no way you'll change the world with violence and war and pain. There's quite enough of that to go around, thanks. I say we use a new and outlandish method to take the ninja world by storm. I say we be _**reasonable.**_"

He waited for the revolutionary idea to sink into the god.

"See my friend?" he pointed to Gaara, "He's an eighteen year old Kazekage. Ruler of an entire fuckin' village, controls the ninjas of a nation, and he's never masturbated in his whole life. You know what that is? That's sad. But that's what's gonna help us."

Naruto hauled Nagato upright. "I'm going to be Hokage," he began, and to cover up the groans of dismay from his gang said, "Someday _**soon**_. And, you know what…we'll change the world. Starting with our own. I pledge Konohagakure out of ninja-hood right now, in my name. we'll teach people, okay? You and me and a whole bunch of other people. We'll set this world straight. Just, do me a favor. Stop taking yourself so seriously. No one else does."

"That's not true," Sasori interjected, "Plenty of people take him seriously."

"Well they shouldn't 'cause he's a joke, and shut up dammit," Naruto turned back to Nagato. "Whaddaya say? You wanna do this?" He held out a warm hand. Of friendship!  
Nagato stared at that hand for a good long while. A few thoughts ventured across his mind. The first was a fact: he was tired. Oh almighty, he was tired. It'd be so nice to take orders and trust someone else to do the right thing like I'd been with Yahiko. What he wouldn't give to be second in command again. The second thought was half-formed: Naruto, despite seeming pretty off-balance, was a surprisingly together guy. Maybe he could, somehow, be the sage he'd jokes he was? That thought was quickly shoved aside by the thought that if he didn't give in he'd probably be killed and if he was killed Konan would stay dead…

"Done," Nagato grabbed Naruto's hand. "Now if you'll excuse me a minute, I need to resurrect my friend."

What he did was pretty fucking awesome, but not worth describing. It basically ended in Konan kissing Nagato and declaring Naruto to be damn cool and some people went 'aww' because happy endings are fun.

That was when Uchiha Madara came back.

"Aha! What have we here? Beware, for I shall defeat you!"

"Okay," Zetsu flared up, "You know what. Enough is enough. Die, bitch!" And a spiked tendril twined around the man's throat and throttled him.

"You killed Tobi!" Katsutoshi cried, but it didn't work out that way. Madara's soul escaped its human mold and left Tobi's behind.

"Tobi can has hugs!?"

"That was a well taken risk," Zetsu said, and made out with his lover instead.

Orochimaru shook Naruto's hand solemnly. "Thank you," he said, "For liberating Akatsuki."

"Actually," Akemi put in thoughtfully, "You're all still S-class wanted ninjas."

"Well, damn," Hidan said blankly.

Orochimaru shrugged. "Thanks anyway, Akatsuki Liberation Front."

"The hell?"

"I guess," Gaara said, "We finally have a name."

"We're going to go down in history as the _**Akatsuki Liberation Front**_?" Kame scoffed, "Fucking ace."

But hey, you know what? She was being sarcastic, but she was right. It was fucking ace.

(And that's my gospel truth.)

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**~hands fall off from extended typing session~**


End file.
